Our Official Statement on People Taking This Too Seriously

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE. The Office of Public Clarification would like to issue, for what our records indicate is the fourteenth time this year, a formal statement regarding recent concerns raised about the seriousness of this organization.

To the individual who emailed asking whether our membership card “holds up in court”: it does not. It has never claimed to. We are sorry for the confusion, and slightly impressed by the ambition.

To the person who left a one-star review stating that our Emergency Irony Response Unit “did not respond to their emergency”: there was no unit. There was no emergency, procedurally speaking. We appreciate you flagging your experience regardless, and we have filed it under “Working As Intended.”

To the local news producer who called asking to send a camera crew: we would like to clarify, once more and with feeling, that this is a joke. It is, in fact, the entire premise. We are not a charity, an NGO, or a government body, and we do not maintain field offices in the seventeen countries our internal materials sometimes imply.

To everyone who has asked, sincerely, “wait, but is this real”: we understand the impulse. The website is polished. The badges are convincing. The Department of Deadpan Affairs put a great deal of effort into looking exactly this official, and on some level, that effort succeeding is the whole point of the exercise.

We remain grateful for your concern. We remain unmoved by your seriousness. And we remain, as always, committed to a mission that solves nothing, changes nothing, and asks nothing of you beyond a willingness to read this far into a statement about a statement about a joke.

This concludes our official statement. Further questions may be submitted through the Contact page, where they will be reviewed with the urgency they deserve.