Emergency Snark Kits: What to Pack

In the event of a sincerity outbreak, response time is everything. The Preparedness Division recommends every household, cubicle, and group chat maintain a fully stocked Emergency Snark Kit, ready for immediate deployment at the first sign of excessive earnestness.

Item one: a raised eyebrow, pre-charged and holstered for quick access. This remains the single most versatile tool in the kit, effective against unsolicited motivational quotes, forwarded chain emails, and coworkers who describe Mondays as “a fresh start.”

Item two: three well-timed pauses, stored at room temperature and rated for repeated use. A pause deployed correctly, just before a response, communicates more disapproval than most sentences, and unlike sentences, it cannot be quoted back to you in a performance review.

Item three: at least one phrase deliverable without changing your facial expression. Approved starter phrases include “sure, that tracks,” “can’t wait,” and “no, this is exactly the meeting I wanted to be in.” Field testing shows effectiveness increases when the eyes remain completely dead throughout delivery.

Item four: a spare “wow.” This single syllable, correctly weighted, can absorb an announcement of any size, from a minor scheduling conflict to a company-wide reorganization. Agents are advised to practice their “wow” regularly, as an under-rehearsed one can accidentally read as sincere enthusiasm, a containment failure of the highest order.

Item five: an exit line for group settings, such as “anyway” or “cool cool cool,” to be used when a conversation has become dangerously earnest and needs to be redirected before anyone starts crying at a farewell lunch.

Kits should be checked quarterly for expired deadpan and restocked as needed. Agents operating in high-sincerity environments, such as team offsites or family holidays, are advised to pack a backup kit and to remember that the goal is containment, not escalation. We are, after all, a relief organization, and relief, in this case, mostly means changing the subject.